Standing On a Red Carpet May Be The Most Terrifying Thing You Can Do As a Human Being

After becoming the number one misogynist in the history of the world on Wednesday, I thought it would be a great idea to walk the red carpet at CC Sabathia’s Celebrity Charity Softball game and have my picture taken by a million people.

This will come as a surprise to many of you, but I’ve never walked a red carpet before. I know right? You’d think being as a 25 year old Yankees blogger with a receding hairline and no redeeming qualities at all, I would have mastered the carpet arts by now. Nope, first timer!

First impressions? I never want to walk another red carpet again. I almost threw up mid-way. It’s the most intimidating thing you will ever do in your life. There’s photographers from GETTY, the NY Post, NY Times, wherever just snapping away and just have no idea what to do. How the hell do actors and actresses do this all the time? My brain the entire time was the “this is fine” gif.

Most importantly, thank god I brought a hat. I’ve had enough hair pics lately and if my first, and maybe only, red carpet walk had my balding head starring in it I would have probably killed myself after it was over. Hat was a great call on my end. It’s also worth noting that everyone was dressed pretty casual, at least the men were. I know I’m in my ‘Take Back The East’ shirt, buy now at Store.Barstoolsports.com, jeans, and a some shitty pair of sneakers, but I really didn’t look that underdressed compared to everyone else. Now is it unfortunate that my left sneaker is darker than the right? That may or may not be because I threw up on it one like two months ago after taking back to back tequila shots at a bar. It’s clean, I washed it like 12 times, but there will always be a darker shade. Yes, I plan on buying new sneakers this weekend now that you all know this.

Is it unfortunate it looks like I pissed myself? Listen, I don’t know if it was the lighting or the camera being broken but I need to get out in front of this one and say I did not piss myself. It’s garbage and rubbish and it’s NOT TRUE. I blame the photographers. Have some respect.

Now to my hands…

Listen, I don’t know what happened out there. I panicked plain and simple.

What the fuck are you supposed to do with your hands in this spot? Put them in your pocket? That just seems weird. I don’t have answers for you. I don’t know what I would have done differently quite frankly. Lose-lose situation.

It was a mess, but hey I think aside from all of the above, the picture came out pretty okay. I think I might have to retire from red carpets though. I don’t deserve to be going ahead of Michael Strahan in any situation of life. Great event though!

If you’re interested, go donate to CC’s charity which is PitCCh In to help out children in need.